From the Wild Collective Heart series: Part 37

Content Warning: Dissociation/DID, childhood trauma, coercive power dynamics, spiritual and religious abuse, abusive relationship dynamics, trauma-related experiences, infant death, and spiritual themes involving deities, ancestors, death, past lives, spirits, energy work, spiritual marriage, and spiritual bindings.

Grief doesn’t bother me. It lets me know you are human, too. We had more grief to get through.

Our wedding with Loki was quick. I wore white, and charcoal ash covered my bare feet. He wore black, and wood ash covered his hands. He smudged soot down my face. Hel stood near the gates of Helheim. He’d built a modest cabin in the woods for us to meet between planes. I loved it. I wore a ring for myself and for him here in Midgard. It scorched a red burn around my finger, and I knew our marriage was as much blessed in spirit as it was in my human life. A welcome arrangement.

We had previously held this kind of arrangement with our ex Dom. He’d created a contract with our ancestors when we’d first met, and we were there, and a sort of wedding took place. He had promised his ancestors and ours that he would use the contract to help us heal and to heal himself, and mine agreed to it. It took me many years to understand that once abuse enters such a contract, the contract no longer stands. It is null and void. If it weren’t for a random blog I happened upon explaining that abuse breaks a contract, we may never have started questioning our contract with him.

Unfortunately, however, we weren’t certain we were being abused. Nor did we trust our own visions and dreams as part of our routes of communication with spirit. That came from childhood abuse and the erasure of our gifts and talents from our awareness. And because we believed it was all BDSM, and psychologically heavy rather than physically present since this was an online relationship, we didn’t see the harm for a very long time. We didn’t know all we’d consented to.

The other thing was that we were seeing visions of past lives we’d had with him, but they never reached a conclusion. We’d only see the parts where we were with him as a spouse or lover. We’d see ourselves making love and that love energy helping us and our community. One such vision eventually broke through to the end, and we got a cold feeling. By his choices, we did not follow our clan when they moved. We died. Our baby could not get milk or sustenance and also died. By his own hand, through his choices, he was brought into a madness from which he never recovered, in any lifetime. His rage and madness stayed with him.

We didn’t know our ex Dom wasn’t our spirit husband, the one our soul was waiting for and looking for. He’d slid into Loki’s spot and manipulated a contract between me and my ancestors and his own. We were taught that men are gods, our father being our spiritual husband until we married, and so a person always holding such a space over us was normal to us. We never imagined a God would become our spouse, but now know that was what had been blocked from us since childhood. Controlled and taken advantage of.

-Lilith

At this point, I need to share something important. I believed I had found my spirit husband in our ex Dom unquestioningly, never having known that he would not be a human man. I asked my own ancestors, whom I did not yet have a bond with in spirit and was largely cut off from because of a loophole the religion of my upbringing used to bind the more recent generations to its purpose and create a broken link in the chain of my ancestry. They seemed unsure. I begged them, and they allowed me to go down this path with him, and it mirrored the experiences I was already having in life.

I was bound to repeat these beliefs and relationships, and that was my binding, which was also the binding on my more recent ancestry. They knew that path, the one that took everything of their sovereignty, and many still believed it was worthy because that was their path. It’s incredibly difficult to admit wrongness. A big part of healing is admitting where we were wrong. Imagine generation after generation having to admit wrongness. All they knew and believed and lived, just flat-out wrong. Many of them can’t because they can’t part with that identity.

I did not have an ally among my own ancestors available to me until my grandmother died. Through all her years of genealogy, she was able to connect me with the ancestors I had been blocked from, the ones who would help me find God, help me find Loki and even be open to him at all.

-Star