Tag: grief (Page 1 of 3)

From the Wild Collective Heart series. Part 43

Content Warning: Dissociation/DID, coercive power dynamics, psychological and spiritual abuse, spiritual manipulation, trauma, and intense spiritual themes involving occult practices and the Qliphoth/Tree of Death.

We went on to heal as wounds came up instead of hunting them out inside of us. After the fact, we learned the way we were operating under our ex Dom was something called the left-hand path, the methods employed being the Tree of Death (Qliphoth). Us human beings are very prone to going insane and becoming spiritually compromised from such practice. I’d even go as far as to say its alchemy is really not something to talk about or tempt others into.

It’s with sadness and a heavy heart that I bear those marks in me. I do not feel pride for it. I feel deep grief and sorrow. I feel like it’s not something to boast about, and I’m not okay with even saying it’s something we humans should be engaged in. There is such a thing as too much light and too much darkness.

I understand the ego it takes to be a practitioner these days. I understand it is a survival technique, and I’m not knocking that. Having my insides scorched out alive was like a spiritual lobotomy that I would not have recovered from had I not had DID. Multiple parts of self able to compartmentalize.

I am not powerful because of my scars. I stand in my power because I am sovereign, and I worked for that and continue to work for that in my life. I work to open choice for myself and others in the ways that I feel safe doing so, whether it is an idea or influence that helps untangle a knot of grief inside. I don’t know its effect. I can’t. But I can hold my intentions with it as true to my experience and aligned with my heart.

Our ex Dom had put us through the Tree of Death repeatedly. No break, really, not until he needed a break himself. He had no remorse for doing that to us without our full awareness in it. Then he drained me of my energy for himself and his friends, repeatedly using what I was alchemizing for his own spellwork and spellwork on me to keep me fueling things.

My heart is broken for who I thought he was and who he actually is.

I told him so many times, your friends aren’t your friends. They don’t even care for you. You aren’t in balance. You are around the wrong people. He seemed to hear me sometimes, but ultimately chose his path, and I have to honor that it is his right to choose.

I cannot help him, and that was my biggest lesson. Helping him dragged us under a million times too many, and it never should have happened. But I thought I could help him, and therein lies my hubris.

-Star