manipulation – Circle of Tall Trees

From the Wild Collective Heart series: Part 15

Content Warning: References to childhood sexual abuse, coercive control, sexual conditioning, dissociation, and punishment.

I looked for peanut butter when I woke back up. Carried it with me, licking my fingers from the dip. Where I found myself was nice. Clean and warm. The windows let light in and weren’t covered up. No terrifying dogs to navigate around. No Auntie though, no one to tell me where I was and for what.

I started talking to him and realized, oh, this is a handler. Okay, so there was someone to tell me what was up.

He was very kind. Usually handlers get to business faster, and I pushed him for it a bit because the waiting made me nervous, like I couldn’t be done with the job, and I sure wanted done with it.

It was very hard to figure out what he wanted me to do, too. I had to tell him I didn’t know a lot of things he’d been talking about, which was a scary admittance because I was unsure if he’d punish me for it.

He recommended some books about sexual chemistry, and I glanced through them. I liked to read. They were interesting, I guess, like how to read sexual energy between partners and how to respond to it.

So then I wondered, was he a client of ours and I’d misread the whole thing? Still wasn’t sure, but was leaning toward that due to the books he’d given me.

Then I learned he was training me.

Definitely handler.

Those first weeks I got my footing and learned how to make him content. He’d leave afterwards or punish us with accusations. I got worn out real fast and couldn’t keep front long enough to gather what he was up to.

-Bear

From the Wild Collective Heart series

Content Warning: Candid reflections on trauma, grooming, coercive control, dissociation, and spiritual manipulation.

He knew me intimately. We’d met on a chat site where people listened to others to support them. Something about his attention broke me from my sleep on the inside, and I began trying to speak with him. I had no understanding of current events. My age. My circumstances. He really valued my spiritual and divine nature, and this flooded me with good feelings I wasn’t prepared to manage at all. I could barely form sentences, not used to communicating. I stuck to single words and built up to three words and then eventually sentences. It was difficult because I could see what I wanted to communicate in visions, and I had no words to speak it.

I was dreaming of him each night and felt it meant our meeting was by divine design. My spiritual framework from childhood in full effect, guiding me safely and securely into his hands. All he needed to do was be there, and I practically handed myself over to him. The overwhelm was so much. He loved my name. He saw value in my spiritual visions. I needed a replacement for the man who had been my god, my first husband, my whole world. Without him, I felt very lost, and the sadness made me tired.

He understood me. When he told me I was not as important a part of us inside, I went back to sleep for him and would not hear from him again until four years later.

Four years later, I woke up and we were with him again. I knew him immediately. He had laid enough familiarity and groundwork of his own that first time we’d met for me to do so. It took surprisingly little.

-Star

Tag: manipulation

I Liked to Read

It Took Surprisingly Little

The Forest

Wander awhile

Receive new posts by email