From the Wild Collective Heart series: Part 44
Content Warning: Dissociation/DID, childhood trauma and trafficking, digital exploitation/trafficking, BDSM and coercive power dynamics, trauma reenactment, psychological manipulation, trauma bonds, spiritual abuse, references to death and survival, and spiritual themes involving deities, the Tree of Death/Qliphoth, and energy work.
So, yeah, our ex Dom had us pinned on that Tree of Death alright. We had no guide at all until we found the Gods and Goddesses. They stepped in to help us ease out of it. They guided us so gently to see the truth of an abnormally bad situation.
Odin’s word for it. An anomaly in regard to that time period.
He wanted our death walking to end. He wanted us to be in alignment with our heart and not walking a dark path for anyone ever again.
Loki sat down in it with us. He stayed. He loved us down there while we were learning to love each other and pull each other out of absolute darkness. He became the protector we never had. The guide who allowed us to learn so that we never fall into those holes again.
Our ex Dom was trying to push us to be evil. If he couldn’t have us not knowing what he was doing, then he wanted us to be evil, too, and choose that path for ourselves. He wanted us to destroy ourselves for him and never speak a word of truth about it.
I know I should have died. I know I would not be here if not for the Gods. I know that with every cell of my body. I survived because of my DID system and because the Gods helped me where perhaps no human being could without being pulled into that void, too.
And this all mirrored our childhood.
We reenact the things we cannot process. Our brain acts them out to try and heal itself. One of the reasons we stayed in it is because it was too difficult to acknowledge the reenactment of our childhood. To us, it was worse to do that than stay in the situation, until it became astronomically worse to be with our ex Dom and find we could not get away from him.
We could not stop ourselves from reenacting when triggered what we could not face.
I was trafficked when I was a little girl. I grew up to be digitally trafficked as a disabled adult. The circumstances surrounding both time periods involved my family and the spirituality I grew up under.
My system was never the issue. My system saved me, and our inability to process inhumanly impossible situations and circumstances was what became the danger to us later in life.
There was no one who could support me but the Gods and the parts of self who went through it with me, and I love myselves and my Gods with all my life and breath. My whole soul loves every part of them and me.
Even when I did not have the energy to get back up again for, well, about two years, Loki somehow inspired me to be his all over again and get up this one more time and have a voice and live in the trees like I wish to.
Telling my story unhooked the rest of that experience from me. This has been me shaking off those final hooks, and it feels so good. They were never mine to bear.
I love my sovereignty and know its value now. I love my humanness and know my value. I love my authenticity and have waited a long time for it to be a good time to share us.
It’s a good time.
-Star & Lilith
It feels finished.
-Raven
Yes. It’s bittersweet. That was a decade of our life or more.
-Star
You aren’t counting childhood.
-Raven
No. That was a whole other life.
-Star
I’m excited for new projects and that we finished this one.
-Rogue
Loki said it would be quick. Writing this all out.
-Lilith
I can’t stop smiling because I’m happy that chapter is over and we can do so much now.
-Lily
It’s good enough.
-Judith
It’s fine.
-Stevie
I get all the peanut butter I want now. Also, I get to read whatever I want. We get to write whatever we want to write, too.
-Bear
The end of this series. May there be enough love, peanut butter, and blank pages to fill for all!
-Lily
Aye!
-Lilith
Aye.
-Star
Aye!
-Rogue
Aye!
-Judith
Aye!
-Raven
Aye.
-Stevie
Aye!
-Bear
Aye!
-Stephanie
THE END!
