hinge popped
hatch door opened
I enjoyed watching you sneak in
Tag: power dynamics
A late-night edition with Lilith. She talks candidly about intimacy, celibacy, the physical and chemical dependence of trauma bonds, rebounding, and how her ancestors and Loki helped her choose celibacy. She reflects on the relief of having permission to stop, detaching from abusive relationships, withdrawal, weight gain, writing to process, personal limits, how we treat people when they are down.
Disclaimer: I speak from my own lived experiences, perspectives, and what I’ve learned along the way. I may share thoughts, suggestions, or things that have helped me, but I am not a mental health or medical professional. This podcast is not a replacement for therapy, medical care, or professional mental health support. Please take what is useful to you and seek appropriate professional support when you need it.
From the Wild Collective Heart series: Part 27
Content Warning: Trauma, dissociation/DID, coercive control, sexual exploitation, psychological manipulation, and spiritual threats.
He knew how to direct our filming and photo’ing ourselves for him. Had us upload to a password-protected service that allowed anyone with the password to view the files. He knew not to “fuck with the littles” in a DID system or everything goes poorly and non-operational. He had done this before to other disabled women and once, he alluded to men also.
My point is, he knew things that let us know he was a handler. He tried to tell us we were wrong about that, but we know we weren’t wrong. That’s our trigger. A specific type of handler associated with sex work.
Since we were tied up to him, we did our job in that specific situation. We weren’t mad about it. It’s just how it is to us. He treated it like his job too, another clue.
He’d told us once he wanted us for the internet clout. That was concerning, as we’d never heard anything like that before. Clout was such a hollow word it didn’t fit with our understanding that we were safe with him as long as we served him. He wouldn’t spiritually or magically retaliate against us as long as we kept under him, came back to him, and served him. Otherwise he’d protect himself, he told us.
We heard we’d get in trouble and be punished by larger forces than he that he commanded.
He said he was a magician, and he gave us a book to read. To prove we were reading it, we recorded ourselves reading it out loud to him. It was called The Universal Master Key, and he said it was very good, actually. To us we heard, it got him something. He never told us what, and it wasn’t something we could safely ask.
He told us to report to him. We did. We did our job. We had it set up that we’d journal every evening and send him that to read so he could know our well-being or not. He liked that a lot and wouldn’t let us skip it.
We felt cared for in what we understood and knew.
-Bear