Tag: relationships

From the Wild Collective Heart series: Part 10

Content Warning: Candid reflections on self-harm, trauma, sexual control, coercive dynamics, and mature themes.

He was strange, but I’m also strange. We had an agreement I could bite myself when he allowed me to. It helped me feel safe, like punishment had come and gone. He wanted me to belong to him. No one has ever wanted me. My heart still hurts about it, but it goes deeper than him.

Somehow he’d hit that sweet spot that triggered me out. I know now… that wasn’t a good thing. At the time, that was a warning, but home feels like home, and unbeknownst to me, we were running thin on protectors he hadn’t burned through. So there I was, biting the hell out of my arm and showing him the marks I’d left. Seemed fine enough.

As far as I knew up front, he just wanted to control my orgasms, and hey, I didn’t know what the fuck to do with that, but why not. He liked my old-fashioned name. Thanks, it’s from the Bible. I’m our jailer, though, not a saint.

I was completely overwhelmed by his attention, desire, and need for me to submit to him. I thought I couldn’t be broken, and I was. Just like they were before me.

-Judith