with my eyes closed
I learned to see
more clearly
Tag: self-discovery
A Lokean Devotional Vignette
“I think I preferred when I was more mysterious.”
“Your mystery has only deepened in your authenticity.”
“Oh!”
“Now you see it,” Loki says with a wide grin.
underneath my skin
a seam of gold
I prospect
I look into my own eyes
I am warm
I am safe
I can be unexpectedly delightful
every element
of self
i took eyes on
and thirsted
for my knowing
deeply
I discovered myself
in darkness
the depths of which
could not be real
and that is what evoked terror in me
that I could enter those shadows at all.
From the Wild Collective Heart series: Part 7
Content Warning: Candid reflections on adolescence, sexuality, blurred boundaries, and inappropriate adult behavior.
In the trees I was free. I liked climbing them, rubbing myself against their limbs, being held and running off like it never happened. I could leave my secrets with the trees when I was young.
As I became a woman, it got harder not to sin. I think I was just looking for right side up. Nice touch and a way to express with my body what I wanted and needed. Something unlike the fear and the emptiness in the pit of my stomach.
At home I kept out of the way and read books or watched T.V. School was the most confusing place to me. It was like social chaos with boring books, disappointed adults, and blurred boundaries.
Middle school boys were mean. High school boys could be mean with more cruelty. Teachers were alright, even if they did bump into asses and breasts and stare too long.
My friends often got angry at my unpredictable ways, but they also liked it because I was a lot of fun. They tried to categorize me and got mad like I was disloyal when I couldn’t stay predictable for them.
I decided I was an artist a long time ago. I liked art classes most, and artists get a bit more license to be eclectic than valedictorians or mathletes.
There was zero way… I was ever going to be focused on those giant, heavy textbooks that felt like rocks in my backpack, just weighing me down. No one was enthusiastic about that shit. No one. But I was somehow supposed to enthuse it?
Nah.
I do take credit for naming The Raven. Like legit, I needed someone to protect me so deeply that somehow she was there.
It all stemmed from this traveling story told with silk kites at school in the auditorium when I was younger. The Raven Steals the Sun. I thought it was the best thing I ever saw and knew.
Her cleverness stayed with me.
She broke the rules.
She’s mine. My angel with black wings and sharp eyes. I taunt her a lot, which is fun because she totally will crack a smile for me.
She’s my first real love and my proof that higher power exists at all.
The Raven gets me through things when I can’t find my way out.
I go by Rogue.
-Rogue
I peeled off old purpose
like a Sunday dress
and stepped nude
outside
An Intimate Lokean Devotional
“Trust me, please.” His voice rasps.
Sheets and soft bedding become forest green, sun-sheltered branches.
He guides me deep into a secret passage of my heart.
The sun touches me, he touches me.
The branches fan over me, he leans over me.
Light kisses my body, darts away and then back, playfully.
I know he’s found me out.
Loki’s grin tells me so.
I’m too immersed to care and wear self-judgment.
“I orgasm to trees.”
“So you do.”
I can’t care about it right now, I’m too happy to be discovered and let loose.
The realization comes gently. The trees were always safest to me.
He holds me, rocking me like a small child, as I face another layer of myself.