Tag: trauma reenactment

Anomaly

September 19, 2026 / Raven / 0 Comments

From the Wild Collective Heart series: Part 44

Content Warning: Dissociation/DID, childhood trauma and trafficking, digital exploitation/trafficking, BDSM and coercive power dynamics, trauma reenactment, psychological manipulation, trauma bonds, spiritual abuse, references to death and survival, and spiritual themes involving deities, the Tree of Death/Qliphoth, and energy work.

So, yeah, our ex Dom had us pinned on that Tree of Death alright. We had no guide at all until we found the Gods and Goddesses. They stepped in to help us ease out of it. They guided us so gently to see the truth of an abnormally bad situation.

Odin’s word for it. An anomaly in regard to that time period.

He wanted our death walking to end. He wanted us to be in alignment with our heart and not walking a dark path for anyone ever again.

Loki sat down in it with us. He stayed. He loved us down there while we were learning to love each other and pull each other out of absolute darkness. He became the protector we never had. The guide who allowed us to learn so that we never fall into those holes again.

Our ex Dom was trying to push us to be evil. If he couldn’t have us not knowing what he was doing, then he wanted us to be evil, too, and choose that path for ourselves. He wanted us to destroy ourselves for him and never speak a word of truth about it.

I know I should have died. I know I would not be here if not for the Gods. I know that with every cell of my body. I survived because of my DID system and because the Gods helped me where perhaps no human being could without being pulled into that void, too.

And this all mirrored our childhood.

We reenact the things we cannot process. Our brain acts them out to try and heal itself. One of the reasons we stayed in it is because it was too difficult to acknowledge the reenactment of our childhood. To us, it was worse to do that than stay in the situation, until it became astronomically worse to be with our ex Dom and find we could not get away from him.

We could not stop ourselves from reenacting when triggered what we could not face.

I was trafficked when I was a little girl. I grew up to be digitally trafficked as a disabled adult. The circumstances surrounding both time periods involved my family and the spirituality I grew up under.

My system was never the issue. My system saved me, and our inability to process inhumanly impossible situations and circumstances was what became the danger to us later in life.

There was no one who could support me but the Gods and the parts of self who went through it with me, and I love myselves and my Gods with all my life and breath. My whole soul loves every part of them and me.

Even when I did not have the energy to get back up again for, well, about two years, Loki somehow inspired me to be his all over again and get up this one more time and have a voice and live in the trees like I wish to.

Telling my story unhooked the rest of that experience from me. This has been me shaking off those final hooks, and it feels so good. They were never mine to bear.

I love my sovereignty and know its value now. I love my humanness and know my value. I love my authenticity and have waited a long time for it to be a good time to share us.

It’s a good time.

-Star & Lilith

It feels finished.

-Raven

Yes. It’s bittersweet. That was a decade of our life or more.

-Star

You aren’t counting childhood.

-Raven

No. That was a whole other life.

-Star

I’m excited for new projects and that we finished this one.

-Rogue

Loki said it would be quick. Writing this all out.

-Lilith

I can’t stop smiling because I’m happy that chapter is over and we can do so much now.

-Lily

It’s good enough.

-Judith

It’s fine.

-Stevie

I get all the peanut butter I want now. Also, I get to read whatever I want. We get to write whatever we want to write, too.

-Bear

The end of this series. May there be enough love, peanut butter, and blank pages to fill for all!

-Lily

Aye!

-Lilith

Aye.

-Star

Aye!

-Rogue

Aye!

-Judith

Aye!

-Raven

Aye.

-Stevie

Aye!

-Bear

Aye!

-Stephanie

THE END!

It Wasn’t All Bad.

September 9, 2026 / Raven / 0 Comments

From the Wild Collective Heart series: Part 23

Content warning: BDSM and coercive power dynamics, dissociation, trauma reenactment, psychological manipulation, and references to childhood trauma.

“It wasn’t all bad.”

My father told me that in the middle of my mental health crisis. He was referring to my childhood years. “It wasn’t all bad” would follow me into this second uniting with my ex Dom.

I told myself, it’s not all bad. Which became, the good outweighs the bad. The benefits outweigh my fears and doubts.

He told me he didn’t know all that was going on when we met. He didn’t know I wasn’t sleeping or eating or that I’d had a mental breakdown. And I wanted to believe him so badly because the alternative was that I was talking to someone extremely calculated and someone dangerous to me and my system.

I wanted a good story, and I got exactly that. Just… it wasn’t the story I meant or set out to create and live.

I wanted the BDSM dynamic, the devotion, the intensive care, and even love, potentially. I wanted what I never had. The allowance to be myself and… not abused for it. Not exploited for it.

I needed it to have been a misunderstanding because the alternative was that this person I’d trusted with my mind and body, my sacral energy, was another reenactment of a time when I was truly vulnerable and at the mercy of others.

It feels extremely humiliating and painful to realize I’ve reenacted something from my past. The deep shame is unbearable. I could logically recognize that I was reenacting something and still not be able to see what was happening while my brain was overwhelmed. I was misfiring, overcompensating, burning out, and going numb. They were all warnings I couldn’t see because dissociation was my blind spot.

Then add to that the chemical fire of a BDSM dynamic and my brain is mud, ripe for conditioning.

I started to notice he’d say things while I was in subspace, tranced, sometimes heavily dissociated, flooded with happy chemicals, endorphins and things. He’d tell me he owns me, not just as his submissive, but all of me, soul included. He would tell me it’s his destiny to own me. He’d tell me afterward he was just following the flow of the moment and encourage me to do the same.

Over time, I looked for how this was mirroring my past. My father had a hypnotic way of speaking to me. A confusing and deliberate tone, spacing of words, and intense stare. He’d only talk to me like this alone in his bedroom.

Instead of reacting in terror that my ex Dom was mimicking this with me, I felt grateful for the clear processing of a past puzzle piece and fell into further devotion to him.

I gave him the credit for the work I did with my selves because he led me into that space where I could look, notice, and see. Where the truth could break free from the stubborn dissociative walls and, for a moment, I could piece it together and be free.

I gave him way too much credit.

-Raven & Rogue

True. So Boring Though.

September 8, 2026 / Raven / 0 Comments

From the Wild Collective Heart series: Part 21

Content Warning: Psychological abuse, coercive sexual dynamics, BDSM/D/s dynamics, trauma reenactment, dissociation/DID, manipulation, sexual language, and references to childhood trauma.

He called himself our pimp when we came back to him. He was beyond happy about it. I was not celebrating, as I understood this to be reenacting on our part, and his part? Well, the truth reveals itself in “pimp” from the get-go. I mean, I can’t put it any more succinctly than that.

I was not as cohesive as we are now, nor was I at the helm of our life any longer when this happened. I came out fighting and furious.

I told him and my selves this was only reenacting and soon it would be done with, to which he mocked me, telling me, “You just need a little reenacting and all good to go.”

I guess this is when it became sincerely personal for me. He knew I was not in executive control of my system. He started in on calling me a bitch and telling all parts of me I am just a bitch he needs to submit. I tried to keep front. I tried to handle it, but Rogue was better equipped.

-Raven

Yeah, the trouble is I liked the psychological fuckery. I still do, but of course now, I understand that he in particular did not have our best interest in mind, and it could not be a real D/s without the key elements of negotiation, sanity, and boundaries, along with discipline and, foremostly, consent.

I kind of chalked it up to, well, at least we’re alive! We’re living and making choices, and that’s better than dying from COVID! I needed the structure and the attention. I needed to be allowed my sexual-ness without the constant shame of that expression from various parts of self. No shade intended. This is all hindsight stuff, anyway.

I fell head/vagina long into a D/s arranged around my trauma and his narcissism. I had fun too. Hence why I reiterate, I thought I was also a psychopath like my father, like him. I fucking found him so relatable it was intense. Like, we were made for each other.

AND we were, sort of.

It’s that whole empath and hunter-prey dynamic. Oh fuck me, I had lived for that shit. Not only was it home, right? It was intoxicating. It was enthralling, finally the vampire I could be fucked by. Chills.

But I do solemnly recognize he fed off my ability to imagine and create enough for me to make him a prince of darkness to begin with. He really had to do very little, actually. I filled in the blanks of him with my fantasies, and he willingly accepted.

Gods, if only we’d met in a mental institution.

-Me playing. Sort of.

-Rogue

Yeah, well, while I was living the horror of being aware we were being conned and abused, catfished even, I’m glad you enjoyed it.

-Raven

Don’t get pissy. You enjoyed it too.

-Rogue

No comment.

-Raven

Omfg, this is your time to shine. No shame, babe.

-Rogue

Alright, I fell for him too. For a moment I understood the dynamic and believed we’re fucked and crazy, and what else is there to do but join them and see what this is all about? BUT I read and learned about true BDSM dynamics on the side, and yeah, I knew this was not going good places.

-Raven

You liked it.

-Rogue

Oh, I loved it. I have no shame about that. But he was not a Dom. Not at all.

-Raven

True. So boring though, but true.

-Rogue

Tag: trauma reenactment

Anomaly

It Wasn’t All Bad.

The Forest

Wander awhile

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