A Lokean Devotional Vignette
“I don’t want to! I don’t want to feel all this pain!”
“Okay. But can you feel the good without running away?” Loki asks.
His eyes are wide, madness in them, inviting me to play with him instead of against him.
Tag: vulnerability (Page 2 of 5)
From the Wild Collective Heart series: Part 10
Content Warning: Candid reflections on self-harm, trauma, sexual control, coercive dynamics, and mature themes.
He was strange, but I’m also strange. We had an agreement I could bite myself when he allowed me to. It helped me feel safe, like punishment had come and gone. He wanted me to belong to him. No one has ever wanted me. My heart still hurts about it, but it goes deeper than him.
Somehow he’d hit that sweet spot that triggered me out. I know now… that wasn’t a good thing. At the time, that was a warning, but home feels like home, and unbeknownst to me, we were running thin on protectors he hadn’t burned through. So there I was, biting the hell out of my arm and showing him the marks I’d left. Seemed fine enough.
As far as I knew up front, he just wanted to control my orgasms, and hey, I didn’t know what the fuck to do with that, but why not. He liked my old-fashioned name. Thanks, it’s from the Bible. I’m our jailer, though, not a saint.
I was completely overwhelmed by his attention, desire, and need for me to submit to him. I thought I couldn’t be broken, and I was. Just like they were before me.
-Judith
A Lokean Devotional Vignette
“I can’t offer you anything like what you give me or make me feel.” Hot tears roll down over my chin.
“I didn’t ask you to perform for me. Don’t,” Loki says sternly.
“Your heart, your love are the door I enter through. This worry? This insecurity? I don’t need it. I need you.”
A Lokean Devotional Vignette
“I can’t. This is way too much grief.” I look inside myself and begin to panic.
“You’ve been carrying it already this whole time,” Loki says calmly, observing me closely.
“I know I can’t.”
“Go on. Feel unflinchingly. I know that you can.”
A Lokean Devotional Vignette
I feel small. I don’t want to leave my bed.
“Why?” Loki asks.
“I just don’t want to see myself hurt anymore.
I can’t face how hurt I’ve been, and I am tired of seeing myself like that.”
“We’ll do it together.” He offers.
I take his hand.
outrun
the drop comes
shouting memory
splint me
broken
A Lokean Devotional Vignette
“Okay, let’s talk about fantasy, shall we? How about you drop the fantasy that we can’t work together? That we can’t be together? That I’m just a part of your mind gone mad?”
He’s upset. I’m wounded with him.
“I worry.”
“I want a life with you.”
Loki’s words slice my heart open.
I peeled off old purpose
like a Sunday dress
and stepped nude
outside
A Lokean Devotional
“Let it be a conversation,” he says. His eyes read me.
I’m held between Loki and tree.
His hands clasp mine gently.
“A parley.” He winks. My heart wakes up.
I can’t deny his wishes. They echo my own. Stuck between love and fear. He knows it. Knows me.
“Meet me halfway,” he whispers, and my heart tugs to follow his lead.
Okay.
An Intimate Lokean Devotional
“Trust me, please.” His voice rasps.
Sheets and soft bedding become forest green, sun-sheltered branches.
He guides me deep into a secret passage of my heart.
The sun touches me, he touches me.
The branches fan over me, he leans over me.
Light kisses my body, darts away and then back, playfully.
I know he’s found me out.
Loki’s grin tells me so.
I’m too immersed to care and wear self-judgment.
“I orgasm to trees.”
“So you do.”
I can’t care about it right now, I’m too happy to be discovered and let loose.
The realization comes gently. The trees were always safest to me.
He holds me, rocking me like a small child, as I face another layer of myself.