From the Wild Collective Heart series: Part 36

Content Warning: Dissociation/DID, trauma, coercive power dynamics, spiritual abuse, complicated family relationships, death and grief, and spiritual themes involving spirits and energy work.

I began dressing more confidently in what I felt was a sort of armor. All black, usually. It absorbs well. I loved wearing specific metals, especially stainless steel. I wore specific eyeliner colors depending on my need that day. Red, green, purple. White was my favorite. I drew runes on my skin with oil and felt we, as a people, were finding meaning in our suffering and purpose.

People approached me randomly and started talking to me about their dead. I gave them what I could, but mostly, I just maintained eye contact and didn’t look away, and I listened with my heart. I read about death doulas and wondered if that was something we could help with.

I learned that I loved my family still, and it is my right as their child to always love them. Nothing can take that from me. Not their actions. Not anyone’s opinion about it. I. Do. Not. Have. To. Fuel pain with pain and lie about my feelings. I can love them and be angry at them and sorrowful all at once. I can hold grief, joy, darkness, and light all at once.

I loved my ex Dom as the person who opened me to my gifts and brought me to my knees to pray, to devote, and to worship. I held him in my heart for so many years, and it was very difficult for me to detach myself from who he actually was once we woke up to that. It’s very easy online to hide as a person because omission and ghosting are part of the culture and can hide so much. I don’t work that way, though. He was there when I first woke back up from the deep sleep inside us, and even though he played on our survival blind spots, I cannot separate myself from the sincerity I gave to him and felt for him, and I won’t. It is my human right to love, and it is what aligns with me.

I have learned to allow boundaries and let all parts of our system teach me and help me so that I am not taken advantage of or keeping us in unhealthy dynamics because I look at people’s souls and see what their gifts can be, while Lilith can see what their demons are. Our coming together has helped us navigate life in the physical and spiritual planes much more groundedly.

-Star