Circle of Tall Trees

Tag: fragmented memory

An Insurance Policy for the Wicked

August 31, 2026 / / 0 Comments

From the Wild Collective Heart series: Part 6

Content Warning: Candid reflections on childhood exploitation, organized abuse systems, substance withdrawal, and mature themes.

I love 80’s music. The drama of it and the color. That people sang with their whole bodies and their whole feeling is awesome to me. I love chocolate and I love peanut butter. Auntie’s house gave out chocolate as needed during withdrawals, and when hungry there, I found a jar of peanut butter once and since then was hooked.

I was a bribe doll. You know, the one sent in to listen and get details and then get out with those details stored safely. Cough them up to Auntie and cousin, and they’d put it in the book for later use when clients came to call without providing their ends. An insurance policy for the wicked, I guess. Probably why I was also good at finding things like peanut butter and Auntie’s good side. She favored me for never spilling to anyone but her and cousin.

I know all sorts of things I won’t spill out here. Auntie’s long gone. Died. Her spirit apologized once and that was that. The new guy had nothing on Auntie. She let us have music, and he was constantly against my music. A role is a role and a toll is a toll. None of it matters much now. I’m spirit-led these days and I like it. Safest for me.

-Bear

Demon Side

August 30, 2026 / / 0 Comments

From the Wild Collective Heart series: Part 4

Content Warning: Candid reflections on substance withdrawal, psychological high-control dynamics, and internal survival and protective responses.

Lilith, the mother of our demon side. It’s not quite a title I’m proud of. But I do give good demon.

I was still a drug addict the first time I was woken up again. I searched the house cupboards for anything I could take for the withdrawal pains. Body aches, headaches, belly sick, and shakes. I found the basics and settled on some Benadryl to knock back out.

Only trouble is, I didn’t go into the deep sleep. I just woke right back up after a cozy nap in a clean bed, and my sniffer began to suspect something was indeed up.

I specialize in keeping our demons managed for a specific kind of handler. Sure enough, we had indeed met such a handler. He explained I was older now. He said he just wanted to be dominant to my submissive and care for me, for all of us.

What shit was this again? Dom to what and who? My little ones are supposed to serve you?

So I watched.

I watched him like a hawk for weeks before testing him with me. I wasn’t sure what his end was, but I was positive I could find out. He had my Star, and that was no good. No good at all. Star is my responsibility. She’s my angel. His claim on her pissed me off.

-Lilith

The Poor Thing

August 30, 2026 / / 0 Comments

From the Wild Collective Heart series: Part 3

Content Warning: Candid reflections on trauma processing, internal fragmentation, and mature themes.

I’ve probably owned a dozen vibrators at this point. I keep throwing them out and she keeps buying more. Once I can get at them, I do. I clean them, wrap them up, place them in plastic, and throw them in the dumpster. Then I sterilize the house.

I really can’t understand why this keeps happening. Neither her reaction nor mine. I feel sorry for the poor thing. She’s not meaning to go off on a tangent and neither am I. It’s just what we do. A strange balance at play. She lets the badness leak out a few days and then I clean it up.

Unfortunately, I joined her in smoking. It turns out I also needed a little break from the monotony of behaving like a saint always. I do care about getting into heaven, to which she points out we’re already in hell. What heaven? We clearly landed in the flames.

I keep her from embarrassing us and hold her when she’s crying.

It’d be years before I understood it was a trigger and an impulse to reenact her understandings of sex, her experiences. Demons demon and angels angel.

I was named for the robin’s egg found, sky blue, cracked open.

I can appreciate the symmetry to that now.

-Robin

Receive new posts by email

Content Notice
Audience: Adults (18+).
Rating: Comparable to an R-rated film. Contains mature themes, sexual and sensual material, trauma, and spiritual content.

© 2026 Circle of Tall Trees

Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑