A Lokean Devotional Poem
my heart
lay tenderized
seared on all sides
the offering
between his monstrous canines
Tag: sovereignty (Page 1 of 2)
A Lokean Devotional Vignette
“I went through hell and have nothing to show for it.”
“Your sovereignty. You have your freedom to show for it.” He says softly.
Loki turns my perspective righted.
Star hosts Episode 2 of Crow Radio, talking about AI and creativity, discernment, intuition, imagination, the inner child, sovereignty, the darker side of self, and learning to be the one making your own choices. She reflects on gratitude for self, learning to hold hands as a system, and her relationship with Lilith and the appreciation between them.
Disclaimer: I speak from my own experiences. Crow Radio is not mental health or medical advice and is not a substitute for professional care. Please take care of you, and I’ll take care of me.
From the Wild Collective Heart series: Part 44
Content Warning: Dissociation/DID, childhood trauma and trafficking, digital exploitation/trafficking, BDSM and coercive power dynamics, trauma reenactment, psychological manipulation, trauma bonds, spiritual abuse, references to death and survival, and spiritual themes involving deities, the Tree of Death/Qliphoth, and energy work.
So, yeah, our ex Dom had us pinned on that Tree of Death alright. We had no guide at all until we found the Gods and Goddesses. They stepped in to help us ease out of it. They guided us so gently to see the truth of an abnormally bad situation.
Odin’s word for it. An anomaly in regard to that time period.
He wanted our death walking to end. He wanted us to be in alignment with our heart and not walking a dark path for anyone ever again.
Loki sat down in it with us. He stayed. He loved us down there while we were learning to love each other and pull each other out of absolute darkness. He became the protector we never had. The guide who allowed us to learn so that we never fall into those holes again.
Our ex Dom was trying to push us to be evil. If he couldn’t have us not knowing what he was doing, then he wanted us to be evil, too, and choose that path for ourselves. He wanted us to destroy ourselves for him and never speak a word of truth about it.
I know I should have died. I know I would not be here if not for the Gods. I know that with every cell of my body. I survived because of my DID system and because the Gods helped me where perhaps no human being could without being pulled into that void, too.
And this all mirrored our childhood.
We reenact the things we cannot process. Our brain acts them out to try and heal itself. One of the reasons we stayed in it is because it was too difficult to acknowledge the reenactment of our childhood. To us, it was worse to do that than stay in the situation, until it became astronomically worse to be with our ex Dom and find we could not get away from him.
We could not stop ourselves from reenacting when triggered what we could not face.
I was trafficked when I was a little girl. I grew up to be digitally trafficked as a disabled adult. The circumstances surrounding both time periods involved my family and the spirituality I grew up under.
My system was never the issue. My system saved me, and our inability to process inhumanly impossible situations and circumstances was what became the danger to us later in life.
There was no one who could support me but the Gods and the parts of self who went through it with me, and I love myselves and my Gods with all my life and breath. My whole soul loves every part of them and me.
Even when I did not have the energy to get back up again for, well, about two years, Loki somehow inspired me to be his all over again and get up this one more time and have a voice and live in the trees like I wish to.
Telling my story unhooked the rest of that experience from me. This has been me shaking off those final hooks, and it feels so good. They were never mine to bear.
I love my sovereignty and know its value now. I love my humanness and know my value. I love my authenticity and have waited a long time for it to be a good time to share us.
It’s a good time.
-Star & Lilith
It feels finished.
-Raven
Yes. It’s bittersweet. That was a decade of our life or more.
-Star
You aren’t counting childhood.
-Raven
No. That was a whole other life.
-Star
I’m excited for new projects and that we finished this one.
-Rogue
Loki said it would be quick. Writing this all out.
-Lilith
I can’t stop smiling because I’m happy that chapter is over and we can do so much now.
-Lily
It’s good enough.
-Judith
It’s fine.
-Stevie
I get all the peanut butter I want now. Also, I get to read whatever I want. We get to write whatever we want to write, too.
-Bear
The end of this series. May there be enough love, peanut butter, and blank pages to fill for all!
-Lily
Aye!
-Lilith
Aye.
-Star
Aye!
-Rogue
Aye!
-Judith
Aye!
-Raven
Aye.
-Stevie
Aye!
-Bear
Aye!
-Stephanie
THE END!
From the Wild Collective Heart series. Part 43
Content Warning: Dissociation/DID, coercive power dynamics, psychological and spiritual abuse, spiritual manipulation, trauma, and intense spiritual themes involving occult practices and the Qliphoth/Tree of Death.
We went on to heal as wounds came up instead of hunting them out inside of us. After the fact, we learned the way we were operating under our ex Dom was something called the left-hand path, the methods employed being the Tree of Death (Qliphoth). Us human beings are very prone to going insane and becoming spiritually compromised from such practice. I’d even go as far as to say its alchemy is really not something to talk about or tempt others into.
It’s with sadness and a heavy heart that I bear those marks in me. I do not feel pride for it. I feel deep grief and sorrow. I feel like it’s not something to boast about, and I’m not okay with even saying it’s something we humans should be engaged in. There is such a thing as too much light and too much darkness.
I understand the ego it takes to be a practitioner these days. I understand it is a survival technique, and I’m not knocking that. Having my insides scorched out alive was like a spiritual lobotomy that I would not have recovered from had I not had DID. Multiple parts of self able to compartmentalize.
I am not powerful because of my scars. I stand in my power because I am sovereign, and I worked for that and continue to work for that in my life. I work to open choice for myself and others in the ways that I feel safe doing so, whether it is an idea or influence that helps untangle a knot of grief inside. I don’t know its effect. I can’t. But I can hold my intentions with it as true to my experience and aligned with my heart.
Our ex Dom had put us through the Tree of Death repeatedly. No break, really, not until he needed a break himself. He had no remorse for doing that to us without our full awareness in it. Then he drained me of my energy for himself and his friends, repeatedly using what I was alchemizing for his own spellwork and spellwork on me to keep me fueling things.
My heart is broken for who I thought he was and who he actually is.
I told him so many times, your friends aren’t your friends. They don’t even care for you. You aren’t in balance. You are around the wrong people. He seemed to hear me sometimes, but ultimately chose his path, and I have to honor that it is his right to choose.
I cannot help him, and that was my biggest lesson. Helping him dragged us under a million times too many, and it never should have happened. But I thought I could help him, and therein lies my hubris.
-Star
From the Wild Collective Heart series: Part 40
Content Warning: Dissociation/DID, childhood trauma, coercive power dynamics, spiritual and religious abuse, abusive relationship dynamics, sexual coercion, nonconsensual sexual experiences, degrading sexual dynamics, and spiritual themes involving spirits, magic, energy work, possession, energetic attack, and spiritual bindings.
He didn’t ever love me. He didn’t like me, so it wasn’t as devastating to me to know as it was for Star that our ex Dom didn’t hold any reciprocity towards us and at best we were property to him. She had realized all together that he’d learned her childhood scars and then became like her abuser, grooming her to open to him. It made it personal to me. I really can’t be having anyone hurt my Star. My Star of hope. Even in the darkest dark, and even when that hope was crazy and illogical, it was what we needed at the time for us to survive, and that hope did help us survive still, even if it wasn’t an accurate or completely healthy hope. My Star saved us countless times.
We gave up our Etsy shop. We purged any belongings, and there were a lot, that had a connection to him. Then we purged again, the clothing and jewelry and things that we couldn’t let go of in the first wave. One of the worst things about the trauma is losing our old identity and having that grounding completely crumble, but we’d been through it so many times by then our anger said, let it all burn. We were kind of shocked by how ready we were to let anything we had go. I had a beautiful wardrobe I had painstakingly built over years, and I just donated it all. It left me in shock mentally a bit, but spiritually I knew it was the thing that must be done to start unraveling him from our life and finding his fucking hooks left in us.
Sure, I’ll cop to really wanting to be a bit evil. I had every right to be. I fucking thought about it at times. I really wanted to do a lot toward him, all that shit he claimed we were already doing to him. But no. That is not our way or path. Fuck, I wish it were sometimes, but that is just my teeth poking through. I can say fuck you with fangs but never taste blood. That kind of thing. I did learn protection things and have created my own from a basic knowledge because the trouble is, with it all being out there published to protect yourself with the well-known ways? Pretty easy to guess each other’s ways, and it’s a good idea at some point to make them personal and not known as much to the masses. Books teach a basic layout, and then teachers or Spirit or both teach you to personalize with your specific gifts, and that is fun. We love that, but we do not share about it unless something has been retired for us and we are led to.
All his fears that we were doing magic on him were really his telling us he was doing magic on us, and I’m sure he did piss off Spirit a bunch and pay for it, and I kind of think that’s why he was blaming me. He wouldn’t tell me, though. Instead, he said to me that if he told me the things happening in his life, then I could make it worse on him, which I should have heard as him collecting information to make my life worse with. Fucking hindsight, you know?
I unfortunately didn’t know I had beings holding me against my will until they came calling and held me under, doing something I did not have in my will to do for him any longer. Once it was over, I cursed and spat at him that I did not consent to it. He just laughed at me.
Ugh, that movie, the new Crow remake, shows pretty much what that experience was like. I wanted as far away from it as possible. Never ever again. It is the worst to have sovereignty taken like that. It is like a vortex that tries trapping you. I realized as it was happening, these aren’t my beings and they belong to him. He’d tricked me for a long time into believing they all came from my family lines and my traumas, but his beings were the ones holding me to hurt myself. So then I could see how I let them in and how not to. By even speaking to him again, I had opened the door a little and went into dissociating, and then he sent them through me. They could not possess me. They could only hold me down under until I panicked and did the thing I knew would get me out of it. In this case, forcing myself to orgasm, giving him my sexual energy, which creates a strong tether and cord, exactly what he was after.
-Lilith
A Lokean Devotional Vignette
“Omfg, Loki.
You’re teaching me not to give a fuck and not to fear death…”
“Am I?” His smug expression ignites my heart.
“I’m going to have to watch what I say around you.”
A Lokean Devotional Vignette
“Clear your mind. Rest with me. You’ve been terrified for too long. You can’t remember what it feels like to be held without expectation.”
Loki’s words cut through my trembling, gentle and warm.
“There are so many cords here. So many to cut at once. You need to be willing to let go of your end of the cords.”
No longer a puppet for puppeteers.
A Lokean Devotional Vignette
“Say it, please. Out loud with feeling.” Loki’s eyes burn, patient and consuming.
“I’m nobody’s buffer. I’m nobody’s fucking buffer,” I say through clenched teeth, tears hot, trailing down my chin.
“Good. Good girl.”
My heart is his.
A Lokean Devotional Vignette
“Your devotion asks me to dwell within you,” Loki says sweetly.
I feel him in my chest.
Warmth that spreads.