From the Wild Collective Heart series: Part 40

Content Warning: Dissociation/DID, childhood trauma, coercive power dynamics, spiritual and religious abuse, abusive relationship dynamics, sexual coercion, nonconsensual sexual experiences, degrading sexual dynamics, and spiritual themes involving spirits, magic, energy work, possession, energetic attack, and spiritual bindings.

He didn’t ever love me. He didn’t like me, so it wasn’t as devastating to me to know as it was for Star that our ex Dom didn’t hold any reciprocity towards us and at best we were property to him. She had realized all together that he’d learned her childhood scars and then became like her abuser, grooming her to open to him. It made it personal to me. I really can’t be having anyone hurt my Star. My Star of hope. Even in the darkest dark, and even when that hope was crazy and illogical, it was what we needed at the time for us to survive, and that hope did help us survive still, even if it wasn’t an accurate or completely healthy hope. My Star saved us countless times.

We gave up our Etsy shop. We purged any belongings, and there were a lot, that had a connection to him. Then we purged again, the clothing and jewelry and things that we couldn’t let go of in the first wave. One of the worst things about the trauma is losing our old identity and having that grounding completely crumble, but we’d been through it so many times by then our anger said, let it all burn. We were kind of shocked by how ready we were to let anything we had go. I had a beautiful wardrobe I had painstakingly built over years, and I just donated it all. It left me in shock mentally a bit, but spiritually I knew it was the thing that must be done to start unraveling him from our life and finding his fucking hooks left in us.

Sure, I’ll cop to really wanting to be a bit evil. I had every right to be. I fucking thought about it at times. I really wanted to do a lot toward him, all that shit he claimed we were already doing to him. But no. That is not our way or path. Fuck, I wish it were sometimes, but that is just my teeth poking through. I can say fuck you with fangs but never taste blood. That kind of thing. I did learn protection things and have created my own from a basic knowledge because the trouble is, with it all being out there published to protect yourself with the well-known ways? Pretty easy to guess each other’s ways, and it’s a good idea at some point to make them personal and not known as much to the masses. Books teach a basic layout, and then teachers or Spirit or both teach you to personalize with your specific gifts, and that is fun. We love that, but we do not share about it unless something has been retired for us and we are led to.

All his fears that we were doing magic on him were really his telling us he was doing magic on us, and I’m sure he did piss off Spirit a bunch and pay for it, and I kind of think that’s why he was blaming me. He wouldn’t tell me, though. Instead, he said to me that if he told me the things happening in his life, then I could make it worse on him, which I should have heard as him collecting information to make my life worse with. Fucking hindsight, you know?

I unfortunately didn’t know I had beings holding me against my will until they came calling and held me under, doing something I did not have in my will to do for him any longer. Once it was over, I cursed and spat at him that I did not consent to it. He just laughed at me.

Ugh, that movie, the new Crow remake, shows pretty much what that experience was like. I wanted as far away from it as possible. Never ever again. It is the worst to have sovereignty taken like that. It is like a vortex that tries trapping you. I realized as it was happening, these aren’t my beings and they belong to him. He’d tricked me for a long time into believing they all came from my family lines and my traumas, but his beings were the ones holding me to hurt myself. So then I could see how I let them in and how not to. By even speaking to him again, I had opened the door a little and went into dissociating, and then he sent them through me. They could not possess me. They could only hold me down under until I panicked and did the thing I knew would get me out of it. In this case, forcing myself to orgasm, giving him my sexual energy, which creates a strong tether and cord, exactly what he was after.

-Lilith