From the Wild Collective Heart series: Part 42

Content Warning: Dissociation/DID, BDSM and power-exchange dynamics, coercive control, psychological manipulation, trauma bonds, sexual themes, spiritual abuse, and spiritual themes involving deities and energy work.

Loki came back exactly one year later, and he burst in with all the fiery heat of his godhood. He was quick-witted, sharp-tongued, and completely serious in telling us, okay, time’s up, and we will be resuming where we left off together.

We could not believe it. That he came back. He agreed he should be our dominant partner and help us learn what that even looks like, to have a place of reference. I have no words for it. It was strange, wild, chaotic, and fun while also terrifying, but in a good way. Like, I was learning the difference between actual dominant energy and what our ex Dom was.

And Dear Gods, I also was having to admit I had some wildly unethical fantasies, you know, that I had wanted to engage in for my own self. My not knowing that or admitting so allowed even the tiniest smidge of our ex Dom into our landscapes, which he was actually well versed in. We told him everything. He read our journals. He had the upper hand on our psyche, not we. And he didn’t dissociate like we did. So, he wasn’t piecing fragments together like we were to try and understand what was happening.

Here is where I learn: never ever ever tell another human being everything. Never. Human beings are not perfect and cannot hold that kind of trust without even subconsciously abusing it or, worse, just forgetting it and not using it deliciously. Anyway, so, there are certain degrees of things that we only give the Gods, and that was what I was learning. Loki can hold and know everything about me and my system. That is actually wise in working with him at all, but a sexual partner? He didn’t even need to know fricking any of what we told him, and of course he was tempted to go use it or, like, make himself some weird ringmaster of people and all sorts of falsities disguised as deep inner wisdom and healing.

Oh yeah, and we had to realize where our own greed to heal ourselves became muddled, not helpful, and hubristic. Luckily, we were a bit deranged from being in his energy, and so what he gained from us was a bit of his own derangement and not actually my ancestral dowry. And oh yeah, we are sponges for other people’s energies and gifts and things. We retained that gift from childhood, and anyway, so we were sponging up his poison, and he was using his own poison through us to sound like an anything. A wizard, Harry, you know?

That’s not to say we don’t have our own gifts, but that is to say how we see all the gifts and talents others have and their demons. We just weren’t aware that’s what we were doing. We’re like children, you know, in that sense. We haven’t had the words to describe it until, well, we do have the words.

If you are a child, inner-child-like this, please, please learn to shield and guard your sweetheart head and body like it’s life or death because you don’t want to be accidentally drinking poison and/or be amplifying things for others that it is not their path to have amplified.

So we had to, in a sense, take accountability for our thinking we knew anything and actually not. Which is why we tell stories now because, hey, I don’t know anything here, bub. Take what you need and move along, you know? Stories really are the safest way of things for me and my own. I did not think it would be true stories, but fuck if that ain’t where we are, you know?

-Lilith

We had to change. That’s what it came down to. We had to significantly change to unbind ourselves entirely from our ex Dom. Deep change. Frightening change. Change that propelled us to even write this story down at all. We had to step firmly into our authenticity.

-Star